so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
