So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
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I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
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I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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