My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
