I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
