How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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