She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
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went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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