It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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