party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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