watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
