Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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