I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
