you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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