You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
