I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
