This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
