I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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