in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
