Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
