I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
