dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
