If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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