6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
