Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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