I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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