soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
