New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
