The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize