I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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