She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
