yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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