If that was your dad, he is hot
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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