My friends, they love my intelligence
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
