I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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