Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
