just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Randomize
