Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
found the other keg... it's in the tree
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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