I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
