It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
