I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize