I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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