i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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