remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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