You're completely useless in the revolution.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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