Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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