so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
