through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
