There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
