does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
