on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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