im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
