Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
