My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
