I want to walk on stilts...naked
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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