I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
