the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Dicks are not precious.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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