I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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