I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
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I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
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I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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