i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
