Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
