We're like a lot better than the average bears
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
