Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
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Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
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Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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